Country Roads Another Sir Titanus Side Quest

 the darkness fell upon the city

life, once good, had become quite shitty

the dead they rose, and the living they fell

Vaxier doth opened the gates of hell

but five heroes rushed in, not for coin nor glory

to cut down the dead, to end this story

 the city did cheer, and shed many tears

as our heroes closed those gates of hell

-Unknown 

On the ride home…somewhere south of the city…our hero, the savior of Brekenruune, Sir Thaddeus Quiltaintus Titanus enters Tresseford Place, a boarding house and tavern that requires low coin and even lower morals. 

“Well, well…if it isn’t the noble dingleberry hisself, Sir Thaddeus Titanus…savior of pointy’s and innocent maidens alike, eh Thad?” Randy Shuttlecock spoke through his signature beer spittled grin. A smattering of laughter and guffaws followed from glinting eyes across the tavern. 

Sir Titanus hadn’t seen Randy since…well, he couldn’t remember when. Not long enough, though. He felt his blood begin to boil, but was too exhausted and distracted to engage. 

Lathander, know my truth. Guide my light to peace and everlasting dawn… 

“A ginger beer, good sir.” Titanus put down his copper and sidled up to the weathered bar. He’d hoped to quietly make his entrance, grab a drink and some oats for his horse, and be gone. Flegg Station was not a place one wished to tarry for long.  Seeing Randy Shuttlecock made Titanus wish he’d just pushed on towards home. 

“See here, Sir Titanus, I have a wager for you.” 

Ever the gambler, Randy Shuttlecock always had something he wanted to place a wager on. 

“Tell you what T, you race me…and I win, I keep that gelding out there.” 

Titanus let out a dismissive sound and waved his gloved hand.

“And what, praytell, would I win?” 

“I’ll toss in 5 gemstones.” Shuttlecock placed a small leather pouch on the bar. He had a serious look on his face, a man chasing more than just the next score. Titanus was quite attached to his horse, Cricket, but he knew good and well that the gelding wouldn’t fetch more than 40 quid at market. What was Shuttlecock's play here? 

“What are the terms, Mr. Shuttlecock? There’s always a catch, isn’t there?” Titanus said this bitterly, for he knew the agreement would be lopsided. 

“Let us go to the stables Master, and the both of us shall ride fair and free.”  Shuttlecock said this with a musicality to his voice. He gestured towards the entrance of the tavern. Titanus was weary from battling the undead and he still had a sore shoulder from his run-in with the air giantess, Memneera. And a sore heart.

Let this be over, and I'll be on my way... 

Titanus took a final pull from his tankard and walked towards the front, Shuttlecock several steps in front of him, peering over his shoulder and walking with almost a hop in his step. 

As Titanus followed behind, Shuttlecock suddenly burst out of the oaken door and made a run towards the stables. Before Sir Titanus could even react, Randy Shuttlecock rode up on the gelding - neighing furiously - and taunted Sir Titanus almost hysterically.

“Hahaha well, we have an agreement Sir Tightarse! I win, I keep this beauty” - Cricket neighed uncomfortably as he dug his heel into the gelding’s side - “you win, the gemstones are yours! But looky here -  your mount!”

Sir Titanus was red with rage as all the weariness of the past week evaporated like dew in the late morning heat. Lathander was nowhere to be found either. As Titanus was about to charge Randy Shuttlecock, he thought the better of it - he didn’t want to take the chance of Shuttlecock harming his stead in spite.  

As Titanus took a breath, he noticed Randy Shuttlecock’s comrades bringing around what looked to be the largest brute hog he’d ever laid eyes on. The ne'er do wells seemed to struggle greatly as they attempted to get the massive beast rangled and led over to where Sir Titanus stood.  The large tusks protruded from underneath a matted head, gleaming as the snout frothed and the jowls let forth an agonized screech. One of Shuttlecock’s lackeys had even attempted to throw a rudimentary harness over the beast, only to be knocked violently back with 900 pounds of force. Titanus didn’t see the fool get back up after this. 

“I really like my odds here boy-o’s! What say you, Titanus? Hahaha!” Randy Shuttlecock was enjoying himself far too much.  Titanus wondered how long it took his drunken mind to concoct such a ridiculous plan, and if it hadn’t been Sir Titanus, would some other fellow traveler have gotten pulled into this unfortunate circumstance?

 “Well, Mr. Shuttlecock, my hats off to you sir. It seems that you have my back against the post, or shall I say, the brute hog, eh?” Titanus quickly assessed the situation and it did not seem to be going in his favor.

“Aye, then, will the good knight errant do us all a favor and mount dear Beatrice? First one to the hemlock over yonder, to the spoils go!” Randy Shuttlecock pointed in the direction of the tree, and circled around imperiously on Sir Titanus' faithful horse. As he did so, Titanus looked to Crickett, making eye contact and trying to convey that this would all be over soon.  Cricket would return to his rightful companion. 

Just bear with me Crickett, thought Sir Titanus. 

He turned and swiftly approached Beatrice the Brute Hog, who had calmed down somewhat since tossing aside the poor lackey who had dared try and harness the beast. Titanus walked up with resolute confidence, not paying any mind to the other roustabouts standing by sneering with contempt and amusement. 

“At a girl. Beatrice, is it? Hmmm, would thou care for a nice tasty -” Titanus held out his hand with a small parsnip that he kept for Crickett, and almost had his digits chomped off in the process. He pulled his gloved hand back quickly, and this caused a most uproarious laughter from Shuttlecock’s fellow rabble. “Well, here goes…” In the blink of an eye, Sir Titanus grabbed the massive left tusk of Beatrice the Brute Hog and swung himself over her too-wide back, throwing his arms around her neck. She did not take kindly to this gesture; after a tussle that saw Beatrice swing her girth from side to side violently, she decided to take off in the general direction of the hemlock at the far end of the field. Titanus held on for dear life. Although nowhere near the speed of a horse, she moved faster than Titanus had anticipated, causing him to slide around in an ungainly manner.  

“Hahaha, I never would have dreamed of seeing a high and mighty noble born debase hisself in such a manner! It seems ‘ol Beatrice is up for the challenge Sir Tightarse! Let’s be off then!” Randy Shuttlecock turned with Crickett and leaned forward, digging in the stirrups and charging forward towards the lone hemlock in the distance. Titanus scrambled to stay on the back of Beatrice the Brute Hog, knowing that he looked absolutely ridiculous, but staying focused on the matter at hand. He talked to Beatrice in a patronizing manner, hoping to gain some good will, but the damage was done and she was having none of it. Titanus appreciated the fact she was moving in the direction of the hemlock, albeit in a zig zagging way. She was grunting and screeching with agitation, trying her best to be rid of the armored man on her back. Titanus held on, careening back and forth as Beatrice the Brute Hog galloped at a steady pace behind Cricket and the troublesome lout sitting in Titanus’ saddle. Randy Shuttlecock didn't seem to be taking any chances with this race. He straddled Cricket tightly as he raced hard for the hemlock tree, quickly approaching the finish. 

Titanus squeezed his legs as tightly as he could around Beatrice’s sides and grabbed a tuft of hair between her ears, causing the brute hog to screech even louder and bolt towards the hemlock. Titanus sat up as straight as he could manage. Shuttlecock turned back, ever so quickly, just to relish the moment of certain victory, not knowing that Sir Thaddeus Titanus, illustrious knight of Faylewaite, was prepared for such treachery as a horse thief. Titanus may not have been the brightest star in Her Majesty’s ranks, but he was a warrior first and foremost. And warriors are prepared for many potential situations. 

“Oh I love this horse! I’ll have to rename him! He rides smooth like a fox! He’s not jumpy like a Cricket!” Shuttlecock turned back and looked towards the fast approaching finish, laughing to himself, full of ecstatic joy.

“He’s called Cricket for a reason, you numbskull,” Titanus muttered under his breath before putting his ungloved fingers in his mouth and letting out a loud whistle. 

“SSSSSSSWWWWWWEEEEEEEEEE!!!”

Cricket, as faithful and professional as ever, abruptly halted in his tracks, skidding to a full stop and sent the grinning fool flying over the reins in a most dramatic fashion. “Ahhhhhhhhh!” The crowd of roustabouts watched, heads turning, mouths agape as Shuttlecock flew through the air and landed hard on his back. Cricket trotted past him slowly, kicking up a cloud of dust in defiance. 

 Titanus held tightly onto Beatrice's mane and spurred her on past the hemlock, slowly standing on top of her triumphantly. He jumped off and rolled gracefully to a standing position. Cricket came up to him, expecting a treat.

“Sorry boy, I had to use my last parsnip. I’ll make it up to you when we get home.”

Titanus walked over to where Randy Shuttlecock still lay, coughing and groaning, covered in dust and trying to parcel together what just happened.  “I’ll be taking those gems now Mr. Shuttlecock.”